Here it is, the first day of the new year, and I'm already not doing what I had planned. The thing is, I'm trying to not let it bother me. My intention for 2019, and to be honest, the last couple months of 2018, was, and is, to make a practice of letting go of expectations.
I have a tendency, as we all do, to make lists and then proceed with checking off the items on the list. House clean? Check. Dinner made? Check. Dentist appointments, picking up cat food, helping kids with homework...check. When the essentials are done, we add to the list. Organize the pantry? Sure. Make a post on your blog every single week? Well, the intention is there. Become wildly successful as an artist and quit your day job? Umm...
The problem I find is that the list is never quite done. It gets longer and longer, and starts to become something else I haven't yet accomplished. It becomes a chore, and the well-meaning parts of the list become lost amidst the pressure of simply checking off the boxes. I love having things organized in my house, but should I be doing it because it is on the list, or because having a tidy closet helps things run more smoothly? Taking photographs and immersing myself in editing is something I find intensely enjoyable, but should I be doing it for others, or because it enriches me creatively?
I've never really been one for new year resolutions, instead focusing on intentions. However, those can create their own pressures. The expectation then arises that I am working towards these intentions, and instead of motivating me on towards becoming bigger and better, they just become more items on my never-ending To Do list. I'm realizing that at this stage in my life, as a working mom to three teenagers, as a woman with a variety of interests and talents, I'm becoming averse to expectations, and drawn to creating more ease.
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.”
There's no reason to see creating ease in our lives as a lack of activity, or a passive response to stressful situations. In fact, it can be a very deliberate action. As a verb, ease is to "move carefully, gradually, or gently." Apply this to relationships, whether human or animal, and we are being respectful and thoughtful, leaving space for others to be themselves, while at the same time maintaining our own boundaries. Apply this to work, or creative pursuits, and we are contemplating how we can not only offer service, but what we can receive in return that will also nourish our own lives.
This is not to ask, 'What's easier?' We can all agree it would be easier to stay in bed in the morning, than get up, make lunches, drive the kids to school, go to work, etc. Since I have to get up, and drive the kids to school, however, how can I move carefully, gradually, and gently in order to create ease? How can I do this at work? With personal growth? In my photography? Carefully considering things when asked to do them, instead of rushing headlong into the expectation of 'yes.' Gradually working towards a goal, instead of falling prey to the expectation that it be achieved *right now.* Being gentle when it comes to self-criticism, or the ever present "comparitinitis" (which as an artist I find to be one of my biggest challenges.)
Finding ease is to choose what will ultimately create the most opportunity. To not shirk hard work, but to work for a purpose that is fulfilling to body and soul. As the new year turns over, I'm hoping I can remember to remind myself of this, when I most need it.